How to feel (present)

 

Having a friend tell me it's ok to feel however you feel for however long it takes helps, but my heart still stings. One minute I am ok, doing my daily life, then I lay down, or have a minute to think, I think about him and then I feel like I am drowning in my sorrows all over again. This really hurts, and it's not about him, it's about me and how I am struggling to figure out how to come to terms with it. 

Him being married doesn't matter, because when you don't know that you allow your heart to kind of soar and that is exactly what I did. I allowed myself to feel and enjoy time with him, I loved our conversations. Now here I am, trying to figure out how I am supposed to pick up the broken pieces. I know it will come with time, but in the present time, it's hard.

I am so thankful for the support I have, but sometimes I just want to curl into a ball in my bed and cry for a while. 

The Truth Will Come Out (present)

Finding out he was married was both a blessing and a curse. I was so relieved because all the red flags I was seeing made absolute sense, and the curse was the fact that I decided to contact his wife.

Was I angry, infuriated, upset, hurt, betrayed.... yes. Did I contact her for those reasons, absolutely not. I contacted her because as women, we need to look out for each other. If I was with someone, I would hope they would do the same thing for me, because I do not need a cheater in my life. No one does.

Of course he is in absolute denial, but I did what I felt was right, contacted her, and now it is up to her what she decides to do with it. If I am being honest, I do hope she leaves him because she does not deserve that. She could have bit my head off when I initially contacted her, but she didn't. I think she was a bit taken back, but we talked and even video chatted for a little bit. 

Everything has a lesson, this lesson was not to trust or attach too quickly. I had really started to fall for him, but the past weeks has been such a whirlwind of emotions, I was not in a good place. I also am most definitely not ready for a relationship. I never knew if I wanted to be with him or not, and all the red flags kept throwing me off. When he would call from a restricted number, could call me but he couldn't answer his phone, he let it slip one time he had to answer his uncle's call, a tattoo with the wrong name...yeah after a while it starts to not make sense. I had even mentioned a week ago he could be married and I wouldn't even know it. He casually mentioned that he would have an indention on his ring finger...well like I was paying attention to that when we had our first get together, nope.

After a rough 3 weeks I decided to finally end it, and I was sticking to it this time. So I decided one more time that I would see if I could find him on Facebook. I decided to look up the area he lived in and just the first name that I knew him by. So, after some digging I had found him, in a photo with his wife. The rest is history and here I am now with relief because I can be angry at him and not hurt like I had been. 

The truth will always come out.....