Pushing Through (the past to the present)

There was a bike rack on the front of the bus!! No, I am serious, there was a bicycle rack on the front of the local bus transit that I had just started using to get back and forth to work. And that was such a blessing!

Fast Forward to April 23, 2025. It was moving day! I was beyond ready as the past few months had become a literal hell! I packed up all my stuff in my Roomies vehicle in one load, and off we were. It was so surreal because I didn't ever think we would get to this day! I had literally started to count down the days until I was finally out!

I really don't think things could have lined up any more perfectly. Again, the rack on the local Brite Bus is a huge part in all this. Where I moved to was close to the local hospital, I would bike to the front of the hospital every morning I was scheduled to work, I would put said bike on the front of the bus, ride the bus to work, take the bike in and set it in the back of the store, work my shift then go home at the end of my shift. See how that played a role, it lined up too perfectly. I did that for three months, and fast forward to three weeks prior, I finally have a car. Let me say my oldest childs' dad has been a huge help in all this! He helped make my moving out possible as well as the car! So needless to say, God has been looking out for me in a big way!

Survival (the past)

I was stuck, living day to day, not looking forward to one moment or the next. I was empty, blank and unimportant. My life was work, sleep, and feeding the family when I was off. Endless lists of housework that never got done because I didn't have the drive or the help. Sure, I was "with" someone, but sometimes, that means nothing. We shared a roof, that was about it.

I was a video game addict, which I would never admit, until I was finally moved out and in a much healthier mindset. I felt like an idiot for letting myself get wrapped up into games, but for 10 years, that was my escape from reality. It was my survival method, and I had gotten sucked into it. Not only was it a game, but I had also made online friends, so it became my way of living. 

It was difficult to put into words at that time what I was dealing with. After counseling and a lot of needed support from friends, my church and family, I realize I was just in survival mode, it was disassociation at its finest and I had no clue anything like that even existed until I started getting the help I needed. 

I always thought asking for help with showing a sign of weakness, but I have learned that is not the case. Asking for help was probably the hardest thing in my life I have ever done, but the most empowering experience at the same time. It is seeing the results finally start to piece together, to let me know that I did the right thing. 

Once I decided I was done with that relationship (which I had discovered a few months prior that our town had a local bus system) I told him I was done. You mean I could get back and forth to work without having to rely on anyone else? That was a total game changer. 

Five hard, grueling months later, I was out, and on my own...

Tears (the past)

As I sat in the third pew of church sobbing, broken and disheartened, I wondered what I did to deserve such cruelty. I was amid a dreadful relationship ending, had absolutely nowhere to go and no idea how to even survive. I sat there and cried the entire Sunday Morning service. If you asked me what the sermon was about that day, I would have to say, I have no idea. 

              I went there for comfort, for familiarity. I had spoken to the one of pastors a few times while I was working over the past few months. Knowing I had someone in my corner, even if it was only for an hour, was something that I needed. I had no clue how I had even got there that morning, I just knew, I was there.

The pastor had come over to me and let me talk a little bit. After the hug I received, I knew at that moment, that was my second home and it's been that day ever since.

 
If you had asked me a year ago, "In a year, where will you be?" I would not have said Calvary. I would have replied with work or at home with the kids or doing my weekly grocery shopping. The usual mundane tasks that creep into our lives.  

But nope, here I was. Sitting in the front pew of a church I had known about for years. I had lost myself, my faith, my happiness and my way. I was broken. From what I thought, beyond repair. I always thought I had to have everything together to attend church. I thought I had to be perfect, that was what I assumed Christians that went to church were. People that believed in God and had everything together. Very quickly did I learn, that is not at all the case.

- Jacqueline Highland