I was stuck, living day to day, not looking forward to one moment or the next. I was empty, blank and unimportant. My life was work, sleep, and feeding the family when I was off. Endless lists of housework that never got done because I didn't have the drive or the help. Sure, I was "with" someone, but sometimes, that means nothing. We shared a roof, that was about it.
I was a video game addict, which I would never admit, until I was finally moved out and in a much healthier mindset. I felt like an idiot for letting myself get wrapped up into games, but for 10 years, that was my escape from reality. It was my survival method, and I had gotten sucked into it. Not only was it a game, but I had also made online friends, so it became my way of living.
It was difficult to put into words at that time what I was dealing with. After counseling and a lot of needed support from friends, my church and family, I realize I was just in survival mode, it was disassociation at its finest and I had no clue anything like that even existed until I started getting the help I needed.
I always thought asking for help with showing a sign of weakness, but I have learned that is not the case. Asking for help was probably the hardest thing in my life I have ever done, but the most empowering experience at the same time. It is seeing the results finally start to piece together, to let me know that I did the right thing.
Once I decided I was done with that relationship (which I had discovered a few months prior that our town had a local bus system) I told him I was done. You mean I could get back and forth to work without having to rely on anyone else? That was a total game changer.
Five hard, grueling months later, I was out, and on my own...
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